....... I and Bisi had so much fun back then. Attending one nuptial or the other every saturday and going all fashion police or food police on them. Criticizing everything and everyone in attendance.
These days though, I ride solo, seeing as Bisi sold out some 4 saturdays ago and got married or like i love to put it, made Kelly Osbourne and left our 2 woman show. I wish her well though.
It is an absolute battlefield out there for us single females I tell you. You'd have to be an eligible unmarried female with your mom always in the picture breathing down your neck to understand. Once a while, I let myself get baited into an argument with her (my mom), where I tell her I have a hard time accepting the fact that marriage is the single most determining factor of a woman's success in Nigeria. An argument that always ends with me telling my over dramatic mom to remain calm and be patient for I'd make her proud one of these saturdays because she never fails to play me the "oh, so you don't want me to hold my grand kids before I answer the call of the all mighty abi" card. Just to be clear, my mom already has 3 grand kids. Two from an older brother and another from an immediate younger sister. According to my mom, any unmarried or unengaged female passed the age of 25 requires deliverance. Seeing as I'm in my thirties, I'm sure she'd recommend an exorcism because a demon possession MUST be the reason men avoid me like a plague for her mind.
Saturdays/wedding days are so popular throughout the world you know. In Nigeria alone, statistics show that every saturday an average of 100 wedding ceremonies are held. When you multiply 48 saturdays in a year by 100 weddings, that's roughly 4800-5000 people changing their marriage status each year in Naija and those figures get bigger every year. Naturally i keep these figures away from my mom. So you see why saturdays are a bane to my existence right? Almost like weekly reminders of the fact that I'm single and unmarried. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the bride or groom, I wish them nothing but the very best. Some of these weddings often times get me fantasizing of how mine could and should be. From the brides gown, like something fairy tale inspired to a venue that takes you to a magical plane of existence where companionship holds the key to everyone's life troubles. Then, sadly enters the predators. Single men (and often times married ones) looking for a cheap or hopeful or naïve girl to make into their conquest for the evening. Pick up lines they employ range from ones that are outright impressive to ones that leave a sour taste in my mouth. E.g
" baby there's something about you that agrees with my spirit and depending on how tonight ends, that (motions towards the newly weds) could be us one of these days" then casually places hand on my wrist."
Or "baby, kini oruko re? You know of every girl here, bride inclusive you are the most beautiful right?
" Na u sabi make bride catch you dey insult her on her day..pervert oshi.
I know what you all are thinking, if I so much hate saturdays, why am I always in attendance of what they have become famous for? Easy.
(a) same wedding statistics I spoke of earlier say that 6 out of 10 single men at weddings can be jolted into wedding considerations from witnessing the ceremony. And
(b) with the right curves and in the right tailors hands, those asoebi dresses really can make you stand out during a wedding..even more than the bride (what?! Perverts sometimes make good fashion critics).
So imagine me in my killer asoebi next to one of the 6 out of 10 eligible bachelors at a wedding when that Jolt occurs? so yes, I am a hypocrite if that's what you are thinking. I hate saturdays and will keep on hating them until one comes along that has me as half of a duo or like the Bible puts it "one flesh" and me inviting all of you to come witness my/our nuptials. Till then though, damn you Saturdays. And I'm off to a wedding at Oshodi.
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